Moments of Doubt

Today, Rekha had a concern, which is worth a note. She said that she is almost ashamed to call our parents to visit us. The reasons are that our bathroom walls are still not done (the mason vanished leaving it unfinished and we’re yet busy doing some other higher priority work in the house), we don’t have vegetables everyday and many meals consist sprouts, dal, and the like, we don’t have beds to sleep on because we’re yet to find a carpenter, who will make it for us. She was afraid our parents and siblings may ridicule our move in light of the struggles for basics, especially because we had much more than these earlier.

Yesterday, we had a long talk about whether this struggle is worth it. Why should we not get back to a life, which is more convenient?

I like addressing these concerns. But I like discussing them with Rekha. With someone else, it begins with a rhetorical question i.e. the question is a statement – We must move back to a more convenient life. This struggle isn’t worth it. When I discuss this with Rekha, we take it as a question and seek an answer rather than defend a pre-determined answer.

Yesterday, we explored an alternative place, where we should move to, the pros and cons thereof. We agreed that Mumbai or any large city is certainly out of consideration. We discussed a smaller city like Dehradun in detail and an even smaller town as well in detail. How will it be for the kids, what will we do, what will be the impact of surrounding society, etc. We couldn’t find a place better than where we are. But the inference was more non-negative, not a positive one.

Today, when I took the question, I said that one has to look at the situation in the correct context. If we had shifted to USA and if we were to have all basics but were not materially better off than earlier, I would be ashamed. But here, though we don’t have the basic conveniences, I’m not ashamed, because that was not the purpose, nor was it expected. In fact, we have been able to survive comfortably despite the different setting, we have been able to get for ourselves a shelter, got into some routine for ourselves and our children, started with some farming activity and are moving towards some sort of settled life, that too in 8 months time, it is nothing short of an achievement. I am certainly proud of my wife, kids and myself for being able to take such a decision and live through it. If someone ridicules us, it will be his/her immaturity or lack of sensitivity.

As we discussed this further, we realized that the concern was not due to any of the basic conditions she was referring to. The reason was something else; I shall elaborate in another blog post.

I realize that these moments of self doubt either strengthen our conviction or weaken it depending upon how we respond to them.