Tuesday 29 July 2014

Reviewing Life with Norms (Part II)

My last post on the subject was primarily answering certain concerns. As it happens, concern statements tend to focus on darkness in life and overlook the light. They also assume that there was (or is) an option to choose an alternative course. I’d like to elaborate on these two aspects today.

Often, I find myself speechless when someone raises concerns; speechless because I don’t know where to begin answering. The two of us are on opposite ends of the stick. He/She’s talking from the standpoint of showing me the dark spots in my life and I want to talk him or her into joining me.

Let’s focus on the brightness.
1.    Experimenting rather than refraining to act has done tremendous good to my self-esteem and confidence. I can imagine how stifled I would have felt had I not taken this path. It has unveiled possibilities, which I was blind to earlier.
2.    I found bandwidth (time and space) to dwell within myself rather than be trapped in webs of complexities.
3.    Turning fears into realities has revealed the magnitude and impact. When I imagine under the influence of fear, I get scared. When the imagination becomes a reality, I move out of the influence of fear and look for a way out.
4.    We’ve realized that there are so many ways to enjoy without taking a break.
5.    We learnt to value whatever we took for granted and never enjoyed their mere existence like electricity, water, food, money, parents, siblings, spouse and children.
6.    There is togetherness about what we do because our life and time is not divided into office, school and household work. There are no ‘No Entry’ zones. Had we not walked this path, we wouldn’t have been what we’re to each other now.
7.    I can’t articulate what the last 18 months have been for children. Being in conditions, where they were able to be themselves, explore firsthand, was fantastic. There’s no way we can imagine how much and what all they’d have learnt.
8.    It’s also very difficult to list what all we’ve learnt.
9.    I realized and still am how liberating simplicity is.
10. I started writing, thus knowing myself more every time I do.
11. I’m in much better shape and far more in charge of my health.
12. I’ve had the privilege of meeting so many others, who are experimenting.

There are so many more. Each of them is huge, when understood from my perspective. As a friend of mine puts it, some of us are blessed with the requisites to conduct experiments in life.
I have no doubt that I’m blessed, blessed generously. I can’t thank God enough.


Now, the aspect of the assumption that we had (and have) a choice with regard to what we do. I think whatever we do is a function of innumerable variables – some personal, some external and some circumstantial. It’s almost impossible to draw up an equation in order to forecast behavior accurately. In this sense, there couldn’t have been anything different we could have done. In other words, whatever happens is pre-ordained. This understanding is tremendously helpful to me, though I can’t imagine people agreeing. At least they’d not classify me with the irrationals, who call it destiny!

Sunday 27 July 2014

Reviewing the Life with Norms (Part I)

It’s been over 18 months since we moved out of Mumbai. Though 18 months is not a very long time in a lifetime, these have easily been most eventful ones for all of us so far. 

As of today, we have put ourselves up in a rented house in Gudalur. I’m engaging with an organization, which has worked for the Adivasis of the Nilgiris for the last 3 decades. My work here will not require me to stay here. I can perform my role by visiting here once in a few months. (I’ve chosen not to take any remuneration for my involvement.) In the meanwhile, we explored the option of living somewhere here. For various reasons, we would not like to settle here. After reviewing all the options explored so far, we are convinced that we liked living in Barkheda the most. We’d like to go back. We’ll have to start from the scratch on a new piece of land, without the support of any organization like Sreejan. Any work in this direction can start only after the rainy season. So, for the next two months, there’s nothing much to do.

To review the 18 months, let me answer some questions before us. Some we ask ourselves, some, others ask us. Some questions others ask are rhetorical. For example, “Don’t you think you made a mistake?”

I’ll begin with questions we ask ourselves. These concern actions and decisions rather than being purely academic. So, they are more important.
1.    We’ve managed to lose far too many friends and gain too few.  Many existing relationships just dried out and died – almost all college friends, almost all office colleagues and most of the relatives. We made many new friends as we moved along, but the life of these friendships was too short. Unlike others, we’re not able to maintain a connection with people, infact, we feel we’re in bad books of people. We too put some in our bad books. Both, Rekha and I, are pathetic on this aspect and we’re not getting any better. So, with relationship management ability on the liability side of the balance sheet, how do we plan to move ahead in a lifestyle, which seems to require the ability?
2.    It has come to light on a number of occasions that there are differences between Rekha and I. Her sense of what is correct / just / fair, her willingness and its extent to forego what our earlier lifestyle offered, her convictions are all largely similar, but not the same as mine. Managing these differences is quite tough, especially when decisions do not follow a ‘generally accepted’ norm. Am I morally and materially forcing my decisions on her? The same question is applicable for children as well.
3.    The approach to feed out of past earning and talk about sustainability seems hypocritical and escapist. How do we justify it? How long should this continue? Is giving up something you want because you cannot afford it not dodging happiness under the garb of simplicity?
4.    Our children face certain risks when they grow up: One, they will find themselves too different and very difficult to identify with others. Two, they may think of themselves as inferior to others and lack the confidence. Three, they may find themselves in a helpless situation given their upbringing, even if they have to get aligned to the others.
5.    In 18 months, we’ve lost much of whatever money, relationships and enthusiasm we had and gained hardly anything substantial. At this rate, we’re neither making our life sustainable nor encouraging others to walk this path. Why not consider a U turn and get back to the city?

Answers: These are only mine. Rekha’s perspective may be very different.

1.    It has been a revelation, quite a painful one, that our ability to manage interpersonal relationships is quite pathetic. Rekha’s shortcomings are not the same as mine, but the resultant incompetence is equally bad.
Being able to manage relationships surely is a critical ability. On one hand, even if I give up the hope that I will ever be able to manage relationships, it is still not enough reason to change the course of life. On the other hand, there is no reason to give up. Working on it will surely take my individual journey forward. I also realize that every fractured relationship is a symptom. The cause is deep within. In that sense, there is no option but to work on it.
I find it difficult to articulate the progress on this front. But there is definite progress, within. I hope things will improve, but I don’t think I will ever be popular or liked by most people.
2.    My equation with Rekha has been greatly appreciated. We’re extremely fortunate to have each other as companions. Diversity in opinions, priorities, intensity of convictions is very critical for one’s individual journey. I’m thankful for this diversity. Our relationship is at a level, where each of us must realize that though we’re together, we have our own journeys to undertake. The direction may be same; the path may also be so. We may walk together, but each of us must take our decisions and take responsibility for the outcome. As of now, there is no forcing of decisions; in fact, with time, the ownership of decisions has increased. Even if I were not to be there, she would lead a similar life with children. As regards children, all parents take decisions for children of that age; we are no exception. We hope that by the age of 15, they will be able to take their own decisions.
3.    The question of making this lifestyle materially sustainable is a very crucial one. We’d never wanted to eat only out of our savings or passive income (interest or rent) forever. I’d given myself 2-3 years to generate an active income source, sufficient enough to keep us going. I still haven’t given it a deep enough thought. So, I have no idea how easy or difficult that is going to be.
I’m realizing lately that work is important not only from earning perspective. I must work, work hard and never retire from work. There are two aspects of work I would like to commit myself to. First is meeting of material needs. Second is work for the sake of work and nothing else.
Out of material needs, we aim to be 50-60% self sufficient on food requirements by the Dec 2016. Self-sufficiency means either by growing it ourselves or bartering it for whatever we’ve grown. We will meet the rest of the material requirements through passive income for another year or so.  
The second aspect of work for the sake of work is extremely important. This aspect must keep the ruthlessness of a business professional alive and growing, which is so much natural in me. I have a definite liking towards the work I’ve done. Whether I start an enterprise or be a venture capitalist or a business consultant, I’m not sure now. I’ll have a plan on this front before the end of this year. Simplicity, as I’ve stated in another blog post, does not mean just being miserly; it more about un-complicating. If there’s a want, I’m sure should be satisfied, I’ll not hold myself. It doesn’t come to me naturally to spend freely; I need to learn to.


The question pertaining to children, education and their future deserves a separate post. I’ll write on that a little later.