Yeh Kya Ho Raha Hai!!!

I’ve often been critical and, on many occasions, a cynical person. I also tend to avoid communicating my views where I don’t see a point. While on one hand it avoids unpleasant interactions and controversies, on the other hand it supresses the feeling, denying them a vent. Perhaps due to this, during the last few months, my behaviour, communication and even thoughts have become bitter. The delay in house construction (against the estimated time) and a few more factors have intensified this bitterness. I’ve tried to understand and express this feeling in a couple of blog posts. This one is another attempt at understanding this state and also communicating with all those to whom, my behaviour might have appeared rude, arrogant, uncaring, critical or cynical.

Let me begin from the time we moved out of Mumbai. At this time, there was none of this bitterness, as far as I can recollect.

During these first few months, we met many people, who belonged to the self-proclaimed ‘alternate’ sphere. If not their actions, at least their thoughts were alternate. We were applauded for our clarity of thought and courage to act. Many of them genuinely respected us, many loved and cared for us. It was during these months, that a I acquired a sense of moral high-ground. From this high ground, I started looking down upon people who could not act on their convictions, people who kept making excuses for their inaction, who were caged in their insecurities, who did not care enough for their own and their loved ones’ health, education of children, environment, social justice and the like. What could be more, many of them reinforced these notions by admitting it themselves. I even told a few friends that I find myself uninterested in discussing their petty problems; that if they were really wanted to solve their problems, then and only then should they engagge into discussing them. All my communication stemmed from this sense of superiority. My decision to move into an untrodden path had already alienated me. This sense of superiority increased the distance even more.

I was perhaps too busy to notice this then. We shifted to Barkheda, lived through testing times, got ourselves used to cooking on chulha, working and interacting with village labourers, giving our children the environment we wanted to. I engaged in physical hard work, lost the flab I’d accumulated during my elite urban lifestyle. I could notice that not many could actually do or even think of doing what we had already done. The sense of superiority hightened further. From this higher plane, I began despising all those alternate thinkers, who could not bring themselves to do what I was doing. I became critical of many of their actions and characteristics. For some reason, I felt that they agreed with me and accepted their inferiority.

Then came in the first glimpse of ground reality. There was a confrontation and we were told that all our courage, morality, ability to adapt to wilderness and such characteristics notwithstanding, we will have to live by the prevailing rules of the game. I cried foul, “But you said you were alternate and you will abide by principles.” They said, “Yes, but who said that we will abide to ‘your’ principles?” Despite all efforts, they stuck to their stand. We had to move out of Barkheda and write off all work we’d done. This event shook me at a very fundamental level. This was a big blow to my sense of superiority. This currency of superiority did not have much value.

In the next few months, my sense of superiority kept on getting beaten. We got appreciation but no more. I dug deeper into this anger at the Barkheda group, at a few others, who were unappreciative or indifferent. The realisation dawned that it was incorrect of me to view myself at a moral high ground. All events and behaviours are program-run and there is no credit or guilt that one can take for his actions or decisions. What we do, rather, whatever happens is simply the result of the interaction of numerous variables. My characteristics are participants in this reaction and my characteristics in turn are the result of reaction between some other variables. So what am I, but an illusion. Whatever happened in Barkheda was exactly as it was supposed to happen.

I grew out of my sense of superiority – at least intellectually. At a much deeper level, the acceptance of this realisation did not happen. Even now, this realisation hasn’t reached the sub-conscious level. Even today, the sponteneous response to an event or communication follows the same pattern. But when I become conscious of the response, I need to remind myself.

We’ve reached an interesting point here. During the last few months, I’ve been struggling to get the thoughts together, but was constantly getting driven off-track by the emotions. This is probably the benefit of writing.

Let me briefly elaborate the realisation before I get to the interesting point. The realisation is that whatever happens is a function of a complex equation involving multiple variables and cannot be attributed to personal characteristics alone. Also, that personal characteristics like courage, patience, etc are themselves a result of some other complex equation involving multiple variables. Therefore the ‘I’ is an illusion, whereas the reality is that I am nothing but a means or machinery of execution.

The interesting point is that there is a gestation for this realisation to get accepted in the sub-conscious. The deeper level acceptance is yet to happen.

Now, while the sense superiority has been beaten down and the realisation is yet to enter a deeper level, my social needs started surfacing. I realised that I don’t belong anywhere. People around me, in the villages have no clue about me. They still haven’t figured out who I am, why am I here, what is it that I’m doing or attempting. Sometimes they look at me with suspicion, sometimes with wonder, sometimes with greed, sometimes with need. My friends and colleagues in the city don’t know what to talk to me. I’ve probably offended many of them and haven’t even said sorry. The new ‘alternate’ social circle doesn’t include me. I’m yet unable to comprehend the reasons, but the fact is that I don’t belong there too.

As I view myself today, I am not able to justify why I’ve got myself and my family in the situation where we’re facing challenges and facing them alone. Of course, the change in lifestyle has resulted in tremendous benefits. The benefits are so large that we cannot decide to return to the earlier lifestyle.

I know that I’m not going through a very enthusiastic phase. But I also know that this phase has arrived after a forward movement in my journey. I must go through this. There  is no other way...

Status Update

I haven’t been writing much for the last 7-8 months. I was completely engrossed in construction of the house. It was hard work. I lost more weight (I weigh 60 kg now) and feel much fitter. Mentally though, I am drained. The house is yet not ready to move in. The rains have arrived. We did our best to adequately cover the mud walls so as to protect them from rain and moved to Mumbai. Hope that rains and thunderstorms will not cause any major damage.

So much delay in getting the house ready was unexpected. After almost 7 months, I haven’t been able to build a place suitable enough to stay. I’m unable to describe how I feel about it. Just not able to find the words. It is important that I articulate this feeling, more so for my own understanding, but it is not happening right now. May be, I’ll try some other time.

The process of house construction was quite interesting. I played the roles of an architect, a contractor, helper mason and manual labourer. Of course, I was also the client too. The location of the house had to be close to the water source. The first step therefore was to call the water diviner to identify the spot, where I can bore a well. A hand pump appeared an appropriate option for water as compared to an open well. Having identified the spot, any further work could begin only after drilling the borewell, so that we’re sure we’ve struck sufficient water. Drilling a borewell is a 3-4 hour job, but finding the vendor was not quick.

In a rural setting, one should get that work done, for which the vendor is available. The borewell vendor was not available immediately. The next step was to create an elevation on which the house would be built. The borewell spot having identified, I knew where the elevation could be created. Rocky earth was to be dug and moved from nearby (approx 0.5 km away)to this location. The JCB was available for a couple of days. In two days, 113 trolleys loads of earth was moved creating an elevation of about 4.5’ in a 30’ X 40’ area. This was based on a tentative layout of the house. Rekha was in staying Mumbai with the kids then. We could not decide where we would stay till the house is ready enough. The layout was still being discussed and the elevation was done. Not the right sequence. Discussion about the layout was happening over phone. Simulteneously I was trying to find someone, who will make the sun dried bricks, the mason, manual labours and vendor for the borewell. There was a phase, when nothing at all seemed to be moving. Days would pass without any hint of progress. The experience of house building in Barkheda had taught me that there is no point in forcing pace. Progress will happen only when the time is ripe. So, I waited. Meanwhile, the layout plans kept getting modified. At one stage, we felt that the elevation was created at the wrong place. But what the heck; there was no option of relocating that much earth.

After one month, restlessness started creeping in. I was staying away from my family in the hope that in about a month or 45 days, there will be some place to start living – at least a small room. Now, this seemed unlikely. Besides, city living was not doing the kids any good. We began exploring options for living in some rented place.  Nothing worthwhile was available in the village. Devri, the nearest large village (7 km away) had options, but I was not convinced about us staying in Devri and commuting to the farm to work on the house construction. Rekha did not see any other option. Staying in Devri was, from one perspective, better than staying in Mumbai.

Shashi had built a small mud house when he’d just shifted to the land. This is a single room of approx 120 sq ft. During the last rains, water had seeped through its floor. In October, it was impossible to live there. The roof was also not water-proof. But we were in December. The room had sufficiently dried. I felt that this option was not convenient, but better than staying in Devri. Rekha was not convinced. The room had window and door frames fitted, but no doors and windows. There was no toilet, no wash area or bathroom, no water and electricity. I promised her that I’ll make it as livable enough. We discussed the details and she agreed to consider, but only after making one visit to inspect the place. For the door and windows, I got plywood cut to the required size and fixed them in the frame with hinges. Doors and windows done. One stone of 3’X2’ served as the washing area. One 100 litre tank for water storage was our water source. Water was to be filled from Shashi’s open well. If there is solar batteries are sufficiently charged, water can be pumped, else carried in buckets for about 100 – 150 metres. We’d learnt to live without electricity. We have a solar light (a very thoughtful gift from a friend), which was good enough for the evening. Mobile and laptop could be charged in Shashi’s house, also the occasional use of mixer or grinder. Toilet was still a question mark. I did not need a toilet, because I used the fields. The children could also be trained. Shashi had a conventional toilet in his house, just in case we were not able to make any provision close by.

All this took almost a week, while efforts on other areas were on. Rekha made a two day inspection visit. We had to choose the least out of two or three inconvenient options. We chose to stay in the one room mud house. Both of us made a Mumbai visit and returned with the kids.

The ordeal on the house construction front continued like a thriller movie. There was no end in sight. The ‘to do’ list kept on increasing but the ‘done’ list was almost blank. There were just too many vendors to be found. Slowly, but surely, we found someone to make the sun-dried bricks, the borewell vendor, the mason and labourers as well. After the borewell was done, we had to recall the JCB for a day. 56 more trolleys of earth was moved to create additional elevation around the proposed hand pump and additional width to support the revised layout. My estimate of expense was quite ok, but estimate of time turned out to be grossly wrong.

One factor, which posed unsurmountable challenge was ‘unseasonal rain’. It rained in every month since we shifted there. The ‘chaukas’ (sun-dried briks) were laid out to dry in the sun. Approx 2000 chaukas were made when the first bout of rain came in. The morning it became very overcast, the labour were yet to come in. All 4 of us rushed to the work site and began gathering the chaukas at one place and stack them together. Each chauka is nothing less than 5 kg. It was back-breaking task. It rained for about 2-3 days and we were happy we protected the chaukas. After the rains, I realised that a few of them, which were exposed to rain, did not wither away. Infact, they dried and were still fit to be used. Afterall, it didn’t rain too much.  When the rain stopped and the sunlight was back, the chaukas in stacks had to be again spread out to dry – another back breaking job.

Rain caused multiple damage. Firstly, there was no work on the rainy day. Secondly, once the chaukas were wet, they had to be given at least a week or 10 days of good sunlight to dry. The amount of hardwork involved in stacking and un-stacking the chaukas led me to decide not to stack them even when it rained. They could withstand minor showers for a couple of days. So, the next bout of showers, I decided not to do anything. By this time, 5k were made, of which 2k were stacked. They chaukas braved another bout of rain. It caused delay because they had to be left for drying again, but at least the effort to stack and unstack was saved. Anyway I hadn’t found any regular labourers. Work continued in bits and starts. Sometimes there was no work because people were unavailable, sometimes rain.

But then it rained again, and again and once again. We’d used up just about 1000 – 1500 chaukas out of 5000, when we realised that the ones spread out have been quite badly damaged. Three bouts of rain proved to be more than what they could bear. We were already in the beginning of March by this time. Thoughts about the effort of re-doing and the amount of more time required resulted in considerable depression.

Holi is a big festival in these areas. Our house was supposed to be ready for occupancy by this time. But it was now clear that we’ll have to restart much of the work. We took a break and visited a friend in Kota.

Work began after we came back, but soon stopped, because it was harvesting time. Labour was in demand and became scarce. Wages shot up. The threat of rain was looming and even the farmers were concerned. I thought it unfair and inappropriate that I should pay more as a reaction. I waited for about a week. Harvesting was almost done but my boys were not to be seen. I gave a re-thought to the wage issue. An increase in rate from 150 to 200 for those working well seemed quite fair. I did so. From then on, there were a few new boys on the scene. Work caught some pace and there was some respite from rain.

The subsequent phase was quite also eventful. By early June, pre-monsoon showers began. The mud house we were staying will become unhabitable and the house is not fully ready. We were not able to find a vendor to complete the roof work. The mud walls need to be protected from rain. We’ve done a temperory roof and covered the walls with two layers of plastic sheets.

We’re back to Mumbai. It seems quite unlikely that we’ll be able to finish any of the construction work during monsoon. Hope and pray that there is no major damage to the work done so far. Rains apart, thunder storms are an everyday affair in that area. Being in an open field, storms can cause damage. 

Building a House, Once Again!

Like in Barkheda, our first priority here also is to get the place of stay ready and habitable before beginning with any other activity. We’d built a stone house there with a clay tiled roof supported on wooden structure. Building it and staying in it threw up numerous learnings. We’d like to retain some practices and modify a few.

One change as we approached this subject this time around is that the urge to adhere to generally accepted environmentalism has reduced to near zero. I realize that the prescriptions often disregard ground realities and are also irrational. So, if there is an environmental concern, I’d like to re-invent the wheel and think afresh, rather than accept something as environmentally friendly or otherwise on the basis of generally accepted theories. The prime factors for decision making therefore are functional utility, cost and aesthetics (in that order or priority).

The Layout

We began with our dream design of having a central courtyard and rooms on all sides. Even with small rooms, the total area for this design was working out to be in excess of 2500 sq ft. This size seemed beyond our capacity to maintain well. A maximum area of 1000 sq ft is convenient and possible to keep clean and usable. The house needs to be small enough for us to maintain and big enough to accommodate 4 – 5 guests, apart from meeting the storage and utility requirements. After numerous iterations, the design we arrived at included a room of about 25’X12’ including an open kitchen, kitchen storage of 4’X12’, a bedroom, covered unwalled area on all 4 sides, an open to sky short front yard, and an open to sky backyard. Since the house is in the middle of a farm, sunlight is not blocked from any side. The front of the house faces the east.

Building Ground

The entire land is a flattened field with black cotton soil – extremely unsuitable for building on. Our land is on one side of a 25 acre farm of the friend from whom we purchased it. There is a lake in his farm. Adjoining the far end is forest land. Rain water seems to flow towards our part of the land and therefore the need to get the building ground at an elevation. Digging the lake gives us murum, which basically is red forest soil with lots of rocks. We dug up the lake and created an elevation of about 5’ in an area of close to 2000 sq ft. House built on this elevation takes care of various issues and gives a nice elevated view of the mountains on one side and fields on others. 

Walls

Naturally available building material like mud, stones, etc. score over manufactured & processed ones like burnt bricks, cement, etc. both on functional utility as well as cost. We chose mud over stones for walls because our experience with stones was that it is too time consuming and also turns out to be expensive. The traditional houses in the neighbouring villages are really beautiful. People nowadays don’t prefer traditional housing, unless there are budget constraints. Thankfully for us, the skill of building a mud house is available. We figured out that traditionally walls were built with chowka a sun-dried brick, roughly four times the volume of a regular brick, with significantly higher amount of straw in the mud mixture. The same mix is used as mortar to join the dried bricks. While this made sense, it was very difficult to find people, who’d make them for us. After a lot of search and patience, we managed to come across someone, who’s agreed to take up the job. The job is a little over half done and should be done in a few days. The next job on hand is to find a mason. This shouldn’t be too difficult. Mud walls need to be protected from rain. That is why we will have the roof slope extending to at least 4’ on all sides. This will give us usable covered unwalled space and also protect the walls.

Roof

Locally made clay tiles on wooden frame is what is commonly seen in this area. But getting such a lot of wood will be a challenge for us. Also there is quite some maintenance required for local tiles. So, after evaluating various options, we zeroed in on using asbestos sheets on iron frames. The sheets will be covered with straw to keep the house temperature pleasant during summers as well as winters. Both seasons are extremely severe here. Bamboo was an option we explored for roofing, but couldn’t find suppliers and workmen.

Floor

The most beautiful part of the local houses is the mud flooring. The surface below is rammed hard to ensure that it isn’t easy for rats to dig holes and tunnels. The next layer is kneaded mud with straw. Once dry, it is smoothened by scrubbing the surface with a smooth stone. So well is this done, that the entire floor seems like a single tile. We too hope to get similar work, when we reach that stage. We might use stone flooring in the outside area, which may get wet during rains.

Water

Our water source is going to be a hand pump in the front yard. This option ensures that water need not be stored in large quantity, obviates the need for plumbing and taps. Pumping water as and when needed will be a good physical exercise and will force optimum usage. We haven’t checked if the water is potable, but even if isn’t, there is another borewell close by, which serves us drinking water at present. All domestic used water will be directed to the farm.

Electricity

State electricity isn’t available in this location. The option therefore is to rely on solar power. Power for domestic use isn’t much and a 250 watt solar panel should be sufficient. But considering that we might need to operate a pump, we will have to go for higher capacity solar facility. The tricky issue is the inverter. Our highest power consuming gadget, the Oven Toaster Grill (OTG) needs a minimum 2 KV inverter. The price of inverters above 1000 VA increases exponentially. We may have to restrict usage of the OTG. 

The Search Concluded

It has been a fairly long time I haven’t updated status of our story of search for a place to live in. Let me begin with the current status and then go into a flashback. We’ve been able to locate a place, which has everything we’d wanted. The land purchase is also done and we are in the process of constructing our house. It has indeed been a huge milestone given the uncertainty we’ve been into for almost a year. Looking back, it has been an exciting and adventurous journey. But while we were in it, there were times we felt frustrated, angry and scared. To those watching us, we would have surely appeared foolish to have got ourselves into such a position, when we were living a convenient and comfortable life in Mumbai. I don’t know what lies ahead, but the conclusion of this search does mark the ‘end’ of a story. Happy ending, it seems like.

I’ll pick the flashback from option # 8, we were exploring – Gudalur. It’s a picture perfect place. Adjoining a huge tiger reserve, close to a beautiful hill station (Ooty), good rainfall, habited by a sizable number of people with background similar to ours (urban, qualified, out of rat race, socially conscious, etc.) There is a school too, which is unlike mainstream schools. Siddharth even attended the school and enjoyed going there. I had an opportunity to apply my professional abilities working on a bank for the tribals. Rekha had enough number of people for company. Gudalur is a semi-urban place and en-route a major tourist destination. It offers all the essential urban conveniences as well. We rented a house and made ourselves independent and convenient. As I said, it is a picture perfect place.

Soon, however, we realized that this perfection in the picture has something amiss. This place doesn’t have sufficient sunlight. During the rainy months, there are days on end, when there is light, but no sun to be seen. The dampness fills everything in the house with fungus and I get severely allergic to this weather. We could never get ourselves to buy land there given the prices. Any land, whether close to the town or away had the risk of elephants barging into the fields or a leopard attacking domestic animals. I did not speak the local language. I could not strike a conversation or understand the locals first hand. While there was urban, educated company, we found that their children were being raised in a protected environment and with almost every city-like convenience. Desi cows are not to be found there. In about a couple of months, we felt fairly sure that we did not want to settle in Gudalur. The only string, which remained was the work I was doing on the bank for the tribals. But that wasn’t too much of an issue. I was sensing a possibility that work on this front may not progress in the envisaged direction and therefore I may not be required. Even if work did commence, my role was consultative, rather than executive. I can always visit there for a few days.

After spending two months in Gudalur, our thoughts began wandering to figure out our next destination. We’d explored varied places. We did not find any meaning in searching for a place through the open market. We wanted to explore places only where we’d buy land from a known source, even if it means a friend of friend. Then there were other factors. After a long time and thought, the only place, which seemed worthwhile was Barkheda. We’d built a house there. We knew the place, the people, the risks and the shortcomings. Electricity hasn’t reached there, road access is very poor, water availability is an issue, but perhaps due to these very reasons, it had the isolation we wanted. Suddenly Barkheda seemed a great option, actually the only real option.

We had a very abrupt exit from Barkheda. There was and still is a very deep sense of injustice. But right now, the need was mine and I had to initiate the talk. I did so. In a thoughtfully drafted mail, cautious not to include any sense of blame or remorse, I asked the owner of the land (the leader of the intended community) if he would consent to sell the piece of land on which we’d built our house. I felt it would be a formality. How could he refuse? We’d spent so much time, effort, money and more in building that house. That piece of land, after all, was just a fraction of his total holding there. He wasn’t even staying there. But after beating around the bush for a month, he refused to sell and offered that we enter into a long lease arrangement. This was a rude shock. Lease arrangement made absolutely no sense to me. He still wanted to retain the option of exercising his ownership. I refused politely and decided to ask other land owners in the group.

One by one, all those people, who’d welcomed us and encouraged us to live in Barkheda showed us their backs. All those I approached refused to sell land because they did not want to antagonize this leader. Paradoxically, all of them had stepped back from the initiative due to his eccentricities. All of them knew that it is unfair upon us. None of them have any plans of living there. But they chose to neither live nor let us live. We’d spent 100 times more money in building the house, but the land owner retains right to the land and they were exercising this right. They were just land-owners above anything else. How much ever I wish to, but I’m not able to forgive these spineless people. I know it doesn’t make any difference to them. I’m the only one impacted, but I still cannot forgive them.

We had no options. I decided to travel to Barkheda and look out for some one who’d be willing to sell a couple of acres of land to us. I was also to visit another friend, who also lives on his farm near Bhopal. We spoke, while I was in the train and he suggested that it will be logistically convenient to visit him first. I agreed and took a detour to visit him first and then go to Barkheda.

Life takes some unexpected but decisive turns. I visited his farm and everything seemed perfectly suited to us. There was a possibility that I could buy land from part of his family holding. I stayed there for a couple of nights. I did not even go to Barkheda. I returned and briefed Rekha about the place. All of us visited there once and everything seemed to have fallen in place. Some minor decision making and a couple of months later, we had finished the registration formalities and are now in the process of building our house.

In the backdrop of the events so far, this is a major milestone. Building a house, beginning farming activities, taking care of children, etc. do not seem to create as much anxiety as this search did. The little over two months spent here have been quite interesting. I’ll try and pen them down in subsequent posts.

The group in Barkheda (Sreejan) took very conscious decisions and all of them turned out to be unfair to us. Most of them (perhaps all) don’t care what happens to us. We’ve always been a spectacle for them. I would not like them to know how and where we are. That was the reason I was not updating the story on this blog. I’m still not sure I’m ok to put this up, but I’m doing it.

Reviewing the Life with Norms (Part III)

Let me get back to questions no. 4 and 5. I’m reproducing them here for reference. These are ones we get asked.

1.    Our children face certain risks when they grow up: One, they will find themselves too different and very difficult to identify with others. Two, they may think of themselves as inferior to others and lack the confidence. Three, they may find themselves in a helpless situation given their upbringing, even if they have to get aligned to the others.

2.    In 18 months, we’ve lost much of whatever money, relationships and enthusiasm we had and gained hardly anything substantial. At this rate, we’re neither making our life sustainable nor encouraging others to walk this path. Why not consider a U turn and get back to the city?

Both the questions are broadly about the future. One is about the children and the other about us. The question about children is quite a big one. I don’t know anyone till date who has been largely aligned at all times with our perspective regarding children’s education. Our perspective is not similar even to other people who’ve decided to home-school their children. I am not detailing our perspective here. That is not the question. The question is ‘Why are you experimenting with something so critical?’ But this question has been answered earlier too. So the real question is not a question really. It is rhetoric. It stems out of acute fear.

Fear restrains one from experimenting. We are experimenting, but we’re unable to deal with everybody’s fear.

As I’ve mentioned in my last post, our new life has been a fantastic journey for Siddharth and Shreya. During the last one and half years, there has not been a single instance, when I’ve doubted the correctness of this decision for children. In fact, I’m far more convinced that this move has been absolutely correct for them.

This does not mean that there are no concerns, no anxieties. But, these anxieties keep us on our toes. In many ways, we’re reinventing the wheel of upbringing or education. But there is no choice. The price we and our children will have to pay is that we are and will be too different and difficult to identify with others. We don’t know what lies in store in the future. So, hoont ghuma, seeti baja, seeti bajake bol bhaiyya all izz well!

I’m quite certain that I’ve tried and addressed all the concerns to the best of my abilities – this time and also earlier. It’s time I move on beyond concerns and anxieties.

I’m very happy we walked this path. Perhaps this happiness has not been fully visible to others yet. 

Reviewing Life with Norms (Part II)

My last post on the subject was primarily answering certain concerns. As it happens, concern statements tend to focus on darkness in life and overlook the light. They also assume that there was (or is) an option to choose an alternative course. I’d like to elaborate on these two aspects today.

Often, I find myself speechless when someone raises concerns; speechless because I don’t know where to begin answering. The two of us are on opposite ends of the stick. He/She’s talking from the standpoint of showing me the dark spots in my life and I want to talk him or her into joining me.

Let’s focus on the brightness.

1.    Experimenting rather than refraining to act has done tremendous good to my self-esteem and confidence. I can imagine how stifled I would have felt had I not taken this path. It has unveiled possibilities, which I was blind to earlier.

2.    I found bandwidth (time and space) to dwell within myself rather than be trapped in webs of complexities.

3.    Turning fears into realities has revealed the magnitude and impact. When I imagine under the influence of fear, I get scared. When the imagination becomes a reality, I move out of the influence of fear and look for a way out.

4.    We’ve realized that there are so many ways to enjoy without taking a break.

5.    We learnt to value whatever we took for granted and never enjoyed their mere existence like electricity, water, food, money, parents, siblings, spouse and children.

6.    There is togetherness about what we do because our life and time is not divided into office, school and household work. There are no ‘No Entry’ zones. Had we not walked this path, we wouldn’t have been what we’re to each other now.

7.    I can’t articulate what the last 18 months have been for children. Being in conditions, where they were able to be themselves, explore firsthand, was fantastic. There’s no way we can imagine how much and what all they’d have learnt.

8.    It’s also very difficult to list what all we’ve learnt.

9.    I realized and still am how liberating simplicity is.

10. I started writing, thus knowing myself more every time I do.

11. I’m in much better shape and far more in charge of my health.

12. I’ve had the privilege of meeting so many others, who are experimenting.

There are so many more. Each of them is huge, when understood from my perspective. As a friend of mine puts it, some of us are blessed with the requisites to conduct experiments in life.

I have no doubt that I’m blessed, blessed generously. I can’t thank God enough.

Now, the aspect of the assumption that we had (and have) a choice with regard to what we do. I think whatever we do is a function of innumerable variables – some personal, some external and some circumstantial. It’s almost impossible to draw up an equation in order to forecast behavior accurately. In this sense, there couldn’t have been anything different we could have done. In other words, whatever happens is pre-ordained. This understanding is tremendously helpful to me, though I can’t imagine people agreeing. At least they’d not classify me with the irrationals, who call it destiny!

Reviewing the Life with Norms (Part I)

It’s been over 18 months since we moved out of Mumbai. Though 18 months is not a very long time in a lifetime, these have easily been most eventful ones for all of us so far. 

As of today, we have put ourselves up in a rented house in Gudalur. I’m engaging with an organization, which has worked for the Adivasis of the Nilgiris for the last 3 decades. My work here will not require me to stay here. I can perform my role by visiting here once in a few months. (I’ve chosen not to take any remuneration for my involvement.) In the meanwhile, we explored the option of living somewhere here. For various reasons, we would not like to settle here. After reviewing all the options explored so far, we are convinced that we liked living in Barkheda the most. We’d like to go back. We’ll have to start from the scratch on a new piece of land, without the support of any organization like Sreejan. Any work in this direction can start only after the rainy season. So, for the next two months, there’s nothing much to do.

To review the 18 months, let me answer some questions before us. Some we ask ourselves, some, others ask us. Some questions others ask are rhetorical. For example, “Don’t you think you made a mistake?”

I’ll begin with questions we ask ourselves. These concern actions and decisions rather than being purely academic. So, they are more important.

1.    We’ve managed to lose far too many friends and gain too few.  Many existing relationships just dried out and died – almost all college friends, almost all office colleagues and most of the relatives. We made many new friends as we moved along, but the life of these friendships was too short. Unlike others, we’re not able to maintain a connection with people, infact, we feel we’re in bad books of people. We too put some in our bad books. Both, Rekha and I, are pathetic on this aspect and we’re not getting any better. So, with relationship management ability on the liability side of the balance sheet, how do we plan to move ahead in a lifestyle, which seems to require the ability?

2.    It has come to light on a number of occasions that there are differences between Rekha and I. Her sense of what is correct / just / fair, her willingness and its extent to forego what our earlier lifestyle offered, her convictions are all largely similar, but not the same as mine. Managing these differences is quite tough, especially when decisions do not follow a ‘generally accepted’ norm. Am I morally and materially forcing my decisions on her? The same question is applicable for children as well.

3.    The approach to feed out of past earning and talk about sustainability seems hypocritical and escapist. How do we justify it? How long should this continue? Is giving up something you want because you cannot afford it not dodging happiness under the garb of simplicity?

4.    Our children face certain risks when they grow up: One, they will find themselves too different and very difficult to identify with others. Two, they may think of themselves as inferior to others and lack the confidence. Three, they may find themselves in a helpless situation given their upbringing, even if they have to get aligned to the others.

5.    In 18 months, we’ve lost much of whatever money, relationships and enthusiasm we had and gained hardly anything substantial. At this rate, we’re neither making our life sustainable nor encouraging others to walk this path. Why not consider a U turn and get back to the city?

Answers: These are only mine. Rekha’s perspective may be very different.

1.    It has been a revelation, quite a painful one, that our ability to manage interpersonal relationships is quite pathetic. Rekha’s shortcomings are not the same as mine, but the resultant incompetence is equally bad.

Being able to manage relationships surely is a critical ability. On one hand, even if I give up the hope that I will ever be able to manage relationships, it is still not enough reason to change the course of life. On the other hand, there is no reason to give up. Working on it will surely take my individual journey forward. I also realize that every fractured relationship is a symptom. The cause is deep within. In that sense, there is no option but to work on it.

I find it difficult to articulate the progress on this front. But there is definite progress, within. I hope things will improve, but I don’t think I will ever be popular or liked by most people.

2.    My equation with Rekha has been greatly appreciated. We’re extremely fortunate to have each other as companions. Diversity in opinions, priorities, intensity of convictions is very critical for one’s individual journey. I’m thankful for this diversity. Our relationship is at a level, where each of us must realize that though we’re together, we have our own journeys to undertake. The direction may be same; the path may also be so. We may walk together, but each of us must take our decisions and take responsibility for the outcome. As of now, there is no forcing of decisions; in fact, with time, the ownership of decisions has increased. Even if I were not to be there, she would lead a similar life with children. As regards children, all parents take decisions for children of that age; we are no exception. We hope that by the age of 15, they will be able to take their own decisions.

3.    The question of making this lifestyle materially sustainable is a very crucial one. We’d never wanted to eat only out of our savings or passive income (interest or rent) forever. I’d given myself 2-3 years to generate an active income source, sufficient enough to keep us going. I still haven’t given it a deep enough thought. So, I have no idea how easy or difficult that is going to be.

I’m realizing lately that work is important not only from earning perspective. I must work, work hard and never retire from work. There are two aspects of work I would like to commit myself to. First is meeting of material needs. Second is work for the sake of work and nothing else.

Out of material needs, we aim to be 50-60% self sufficient on food requirements by the Dec 2016. Self-sufficiency means either by growing it ourselves or bartering it for whatever we’ve grown. We will meet the rest of the material requirements through passive income for another year or so.  

The second aspect of work for the sake of work is extremely important. This aspect must keep the ruthlessness of a business professional alive and growing, which is so much natural in me. I have a definite liking towards the work I’ve done. Whether I start an enterprise or be a venture capitalist or a business consultant, I’m not sure now. I’ll have a plan on this front before the end of this year. Simplicity, as I’ve stated in another blog post, does not mean just being miserly; it more about un-complicating. If there’s a want, I’m sure should be satisfied, I’ll not hold myself. It doesn’t come to me naturally to spend freely; I need to learn to.

The question pertaining to children, education and their future deserves a separate post. I’ll write on that a little later.